Surrounded by plummeting prices, bankrupting banks, fickle financiers, sagging stocks, cantankerous consumers … It’s time for some frivolity.

If you, like I, show a decent number of properties and, in the process, read the displayed MLS remarks, you’ll quickly discover that the art of good fiction writing is alive and well. With the current onslaught of foreclosures and distressed properties, listing agents have become, by necessity, “creative” with their carefully crafted comments. As I read their information, designed to convey the important aspects of the home, I’d swear some of them are gunning for a Pulitzer.

And then you visit the property, read the comments again and ask, “How did we get there from here?”

As an example, a property I recently visited had remarks stating, “Needs cosmetic work.”

Translation? “Throw in a stick of dynamite and start over!” The carpets were decimated, strips of wallpaper hung peeling from the walls, all the baseboards were missing and there was SUBSTANTIAL water damage to an upstairs bathroom floor and the ceiling underneath. Read, “gaping hole.” And that was just the beginning.

A REALTOR’S job is to sell property, and what they pen is designed to get you and your homebuyer to visit.I must confess, however, that I’ve been astonished by property descriptions I’ve seen. Politicians aren’t the only spin doctors in town. And some comments I’ve read could have been written in ”Klingon” and been clearer.

Therefore, I’ve dedicated this post to those creative crafters of comedic cleverness, those pervasive prognosticators of prosaic petards, those blithering bards of bombastic blather … OK … I’ll stop.

Let me introduce you to RealtorSpeak™. Here is a smattering of poetically licensed comments gleaned from homes visited over one single weekend. Read the comment, view the translation, and then feel free to respond with comments you’ve seen in your wanderings about town! And who knows -– maybe you can even use some of these for your next home listing!

Home Sale Description               Translation                                                                                        

Priced to sell!                              We can’t give it away!

Freeway access                           Spit at cars on the freeway from your bedroom window

Close to transportation              Train tracks right next door

Overlooking the pool                  Plan on noisy summers!

Spacious townhome                    It’s empty and looks REALLY big right now!

Walk to BART                               Actual mileage: 3.46 miles

New tile floor in bathroom          But the rest of the bathroom dates to 1946

Decorator styling                         Every room painted a different color – including mustard yellow

Shown by appointment only        Don’t even THINK about trying to visit us

Great opportunity!                       Licensed contractors and demolition experts only

Designer cabinets                       IKEA

Renovated bathrooms                 Freshly painted and we have our guest towels out

Well maintained home                 We hired RotoRooter 2 years ago – toilet still flushes

Mrs. Clean lives here                   We cleaned it just before it went on the market – 6 months ago

Newer appliances                        Not more than 20 years old

Shows beautifully                        Until we remove our staging

Partial view of the city                 From the roof and through the trees

Sunny family room                      Window coverings are like, totally missing

Stepsaver kitchen                        Fits one person at a time

Cozy                                            425 square feet max

Gleaming hardwood floors          Pergo

Quiet neighbors                          Next door to a cemetery

Won’t last long!                           Our whole church is praying it sells